khatirah

Pasir-pasir Cinta

2011-06-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

At the age of 23, I realized this.

Hati manusia akan sentiasa mencari cinta. No wonder orang selalu kata, memang lumrah semulajadi manusia ingin mencintai dan ingin dicintai. Pernah dulu aku berjumpa cinta. Cinta Illahi. Cinta yang sungguh indah.. dan jika kau masih ingat, status ym ku dahulunya, sentiasa tertulis 'bahagia..alhamdulillah'. Dari cinta Illahi ini juga, aku mendapat cinta dari dan kepada para ukhti yang berada di sekeliling.

Hingga waktu aku melangkah ke alam perkerjaan, dalam kekusutan dan kekalutan aku menyesuaikan diri dengan routine-routine hidup yang baru, dalam keghairahan aku bercampur gaul dengan pelbagai jenis manusia yang berlainan akhlak dan gaya hidupnya, aku terhilang cinta Illahi itu. Mungkin kerana bi'ah lama sudah tiada. Mungkin kerana hati sudah terlalu gersang. Mungkin kerana pelbagai perkara sunat sudah mula ditinggalkan. Namun yang pasti, hati aku tetap mencari cinta. Dan sungguh, ia benar-benar mencari hingga ditemuinya satu cinta. Cinta manusia. Disangkakan cinta inilah yang sudah lama dicari. Namun entah kenapa, hati tau cinta ini tidak benar. Hati tau cinta ini takkan kekal. Hati tau cinta ini tercemar. Namun, sepertinya, hati tidak tau harus lari ke mana lagi.

Dengan izin Allah, aku dihantar ke satu tempat yang jauh. Waqi' di tempat kerja baruku ini, setiap pagi, alunan ayat al-quran oleh Syeikh MIshari akan dipasang. Dari Albaqarah hinggalah ke An-Nas. Dan pekerja-pekerja di situ hafal Quran kebanyakannya. Aku suka akan waqi' itu. Ketika bekerja di sana, telah beberapa kali, dalam pada aku membuat tugas-tugas harianku, secara tetiba-tiba, satu perasaan cinta dan rindu yang amat kuat akan menggamit perasaan. Perasaan itu terlalu kuat hinggakan aku terpaksa berhenti kerja-kerja yang aku lakukan pada waktu itu, untuk memikirkan dari mana datangnya perasaan ini. Adakah aku rindukan pada manusia itu? TIdak lah pula. Lalu perasaan apakah yang mencengkam diri ini?

Perasaan itu amat kuat, dan aku mahu perasaan itu terus kekal. Namun aku teringin sangat tahu, cinta apakah ini yang sedang menyerang diriku ini? Pada ketika itulah, aku sedar, bahawa jiwa aku amat cintakan dan sudah terlalu rindukan pada ayat-ayat quran yang sedang dilagukan pada waktu itu. Terlalu rindu. Terlalu cinta. Dan perasaan ku ketika itu sungguh damai sekali. Subhanallah, aku tidak tahu bagaimana mahu menggambarkannya. Dan kejadian seperti ini, terjadi berkali-kali. Perasaan cinta dan rindu itu akan datang secara tiba-tiba, dan ia amat kuat dan menggamit perasaan. Pada setiap kali itu, aku akan buntu dan tertanya-tanya dari mana datangnya perasaan ini. Dan pada setiap kali itulah aku menyedari bahawa ia datang dari jiwaku yang amat rindu dan cinta pada ayat-ayat Allah. Subhanallah..subhanallah..subhanallah..

Di ketika itu, aku sedar..ya memang hati ini terus mendambakan cinta. Namun, dari mana kita ingin mencari cinta itu, dan ke mana kita mahu talakan rindu itu, adalah keputusan dari diri kita sendiri. Kita boleh mencari cinta pada manusia, pada harta, pada dunia..namun cinta itu tidak cukup kuat, tidak cukup mendamaikan, dan belum tentu kekal. Tetapi, jika kau talakan cinta dan rindumu kepada Dia yang berhak menerimaNya, di situ kau akan menemui kebahagiaan yang sebenar.

Memang benar, sebagai manusia, kita akan mendambakan cinta dari seorang manusia. Sebagai seorang perempuan, nak lagi pada umur kita skrg, kita akan sangat rindukan kehadiran seorang yang bernama suami sebagai tempat untuk bermadu kasih; satu perasaan fitrah yang memang diciptakan Allah untuk manusia. Namun aku yakin, andai cinta itu bermula dari cinta kepada Allah, dikawal rapi dan dijaga oleh cinta kepada Allah, barulah cinta manusia itu juga akan terasa keindahannya.

Betapa aku amat mahukan agar cinta ini kekal selamanya. Selamanya.

-HA

Rindu mereka

2011-05-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

Andai masa boleh diputar kembali,
Akan aku putar dan biarkan ia terhenti
Terhenti pada zaman ku ditarbiyah dengan sebenar-benar tarbiyah
Terhenti pada zaman ku dibajai dengan sebenar-benar ilmu

Ku rindu tempat itu
tempat yang mengajarku erti jihad
Erti susah dan payah menuju ilahi

Tidak mungkin luput dariku
kenangan terindah di tempat itu
Bersama mereka yang seangkatan denganku
Mencari dan mengejar sinar ilahi

Kini aku di sini
Di sebuah tempat yang juga mengajarkanku erti jihad
Iaitu tempat untuk beramal dengan apa yang dipelajari
Sesungguhnya benarlah kata-kata seseorang bahawa
tarbiyah itu bermula selepas tazbih kifarah

Namun ku rasa lemah
kerana tanpa mereka yang sentiasa bersamaku
Aku bukan sehebat mereka yang mampu berkata cukuplah Allah bagiku
Aku ini seperti Musa yang amat mengharapkan Harun sebagai penguat diri

Oh Tuhan, ku rindu mereka itu
Akhwat-akhwat tercinta
Sampaikan salam rinduku untuk mereka
Bersama doa-doa semoga mereka itu tsabat dijalanMu.

Wassalam.

Aku rindu ...

2011-02-03T09:50:00.001-08:00

Aku rindu zaman ketika “halaqoh” adalah kebutuhan,
bukan sekedar sambilan apalagi hiburan

Aku rindu zaman ketika “membina” adalah kewajiban,
bukan pilihan apalagi beban dan paksaan

Aku rindu zaman ketika “dauroh” menjadi kebiasaan,
bukan sekedar pelengkap pengisi program yang dipaksakan

Aku rindu zaman ketika “tsiqoh” menjadi kekuatan,
bukan keraguan apalagi kecurigaan

Aku rindu zaman ketika “tarbiyah” adalah pengorbanan,
bukan tuntutan dan hujatan

Aku rindu zaman ketika “nasihat” menjadi kesenangan,
bukan su'udzon atau menjatuhkan

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika kita semua memberikan segalanya untuk da'wah ini

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika “nasyid ghuroba” menjadi lagu kebangsaan

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika hadir di “liqo” adalah kerinduan, dan terlambat adalah kelalaian

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika malam gerimis pergi ke puncak mengisi dauroh dengan ongkos ngepas dan peta tak jelas

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika seorang ikhwah benar-benar jalan kaki 2 jam di malam buta sepulang tabligh dakwah di desa sebelah

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika akan pergi liqo selalu membawa uang infak, alat tulis, buku catatan dan Qur'an terjemahan ditambah sedikit hafalan

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika seorang binaan menangis karena tak bisa hadir di liqo

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika tengah malam pintu depan diketok untuk mendapat berita kumpul subuh harinya

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika seorang ikhwah berangkat liqo dengan ongkos jatah belanja esok hari untuk keluarganya

Aku rindu..
zaman ketika seorang murobbi sakit dan harus dirawat, para binaan patungan mengumpulkan dana apa adanya
Aku rindu zaman itu,
Aku rindu...

Ya ALLAH,
Jangan Kau buang kenikmatan berda'wah dari hati-hati kami
Jangan Kau jadikan hidup ini,
hanya berjalan di tempat yang sama

(Allahyarham KH. Rahmat Abdullah)

Al-Baqarah:216 - tidak semudah membacanya

2011-01-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum wbt..

Lebih kurang jam 2 petang tadi, setelah mengambil adik-adikku yang baru pulang dari sekolah, aku mendapat panggilan telefon daripada ayah mengatakan bahawa nama-nama bakal guru Bahasa Inggeris yang akan posting di Terengganu telah sampai ke Jabatan Pendidikan Negeri(JPN). Atas pertolongan seorang kenalan ayah di JPN, ayahku diberitahu bahawa namaku berada dalam senarai tersebut. Terhenti seketika aku rasa nafas pada ketika itu dan tanpa disedari ada titis-titis jenih mengalir di pipi. Nyaris-nyaris aku terlanggar kereta di hadapan. Fikiranku kosong tetapi alhamdulillah aku pulang ke rumah dengan selamat.

Setelah beberapa ketika, aku mula memotivasikan diri dengan mengatakan ini adalah yang terbaik untukku. Dan aku masih berharap akan mendapat sekolah di daerah K****** dan bukan di K**** T*********. Hujah ku adalah daerah K****** ini jauh dari rumah maka aku tidak perlu duduk di rumah, dan daerah K****** berdekatan dengan medan tarbiyah dan dakwah yang subur. Selain itu, daerah K****** ini lebih dekat dengan ibukota. Hanya 3 atau 4 jam perjalanan.

Aku masih mampu tersenyum dan merasakan aku mampu menerima takdir ini dengan hati terbuka. Namun, malam ini air mata ini tidak mahu berhenti mengalir setelah lagu rahmat ujian berkumandang. Aku ulang dan ulang lagu itu untuk mencari kekuatan. Setelah itu, air mata ini sering mengalir. Rupanya aku hanya berlagak seolah-olah aku redha dengan ketentuan ini. Padahal aku masih tidak mampu untuk redha. Geram sungguh pada diri sendiri apabila mengingatkan hadis mafhumnya bahawa orang beriman itu sggh hebat. Apabila mendapat rahmat dia bersyukur dan apabila mendapat musibah dia redha. Jauh lagi aku rupanya dari semua itu. Aku menghantar mesej kepada beberapa orang dengan harapan untuk mendapat mutiara kata daripada ukhti-ukhti tercinta. Namun sepi tiada jawapan.

Adakah ini yang dikatakan bahawa Allah ingin mengajarkan aku bahawa pergantungan itu hanya padaNya?oh aku lupa itu. Aku bangkit untuk mengambil wudhuk dan membasuh muka yang semakin sembap dek tangisan sebentar tadi. Aku sedar hanya Dia tempat mengadu sekarang. Tiba-tiba satu mesej masuk dan salah seorang ukht tercinta ku membalas mesej lalu aku mendapat panggilan darinya. Hanya beberapa ketika, talian terputus. Rupanya sudah kehabisan kredit.Aku juga begitu. Lalu aku kembali meneruskan solat hajatku supaya Allah mengurniakan aku secebis kekuatan.

Sebelum ini, sudah berulang kali aku katakan kepada ukhti-ukhti yang rapat dengan ku bahawa aku merasakan yang aku akan diuji lagi sebagaimana semasa aku berada di OZ dahulu. Aku berseorangan walaupun itu hanya pada zahirnya. DIsebabkan itu, aku sering meminta agar aku tidak bersendiri lagi. Namun, hanya setahun aku sempat merasakan berjuang bersama-sama ukhti-ukhtiku. Kini aku kembali sendiri lagi..

Terlalu banyak keluhanku pada malam ini sehingga aku kabur dengan matahari akan akan bersinar esok. Moga mataku ini akan terang benderang seterang matahari di pagi hari esok sehingga terzahir padaku hikmah di sebalik dugaan ini.

(Al-Baqarah:216)-Mudah dibaca, mudah difahami tapi berat untuk diterima..

Ampuni segala khilafku Ya Allah..

wallahualam

-FA-

I call this as curaheart

2011-01-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum wbt..

Aaaa....I am missing everybody..I need strength..I want to see all of you..Far far away from all akhawats, programmes and so forth make me feel no longer better..

p/s: Please make dua for me so that I will be posted to the best place for my tarbiyah dan da'wa.

and HA - I adore you as you are so strong facing all the obstacles. I think we are in the same shoe in some cases. I know how it feels but you INSPIRED me. Jzkk ukhti for that..

Wallahualam

-FA-

what's yours?

2010-12-24T08:29:00.000-08:00

Salam..

Once..some time ago, I chatted with UH. He advised me to choose a particular area, or scope that I am interested in and focus to develop that scope for the benefit of Islam.

Unfortunately, up to now..I still have not found one particular area and settle on it yet. I feel bad. Kind of like I don't really have much purpose in life.

It hurts even more when you see other people, who aren't in tarbiyyah, actually specialising in something which is totally different from their career and getting many followers. Imagine if we, who has fikrah can do something as such too.

Anyway, while I'm still searching for mine..what about you people? Have all of you specialized in a particular area yet?

Oh..btw, example of specialization is photography, commited blogging, motivational talks, business etc etc.

tenatnya masyarakat kita

2010-12-22T02:28:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum sahabat sekalian. Benarlah masyarakat kita hari ini sangat tenat.

Hari ni saya ke bandar dengan ayah, ibu dan adik-adik. Memandangkan saya tiada apa yang nak dibeli, saya merelakan diri duduk di luar kedai menjaga barang-barang sementara yang lain-lain membeli barang di kedai berhampiran. Duduk saya, bertentangan dengan jalan kecil di dalam bandar besar, tempat laluan masyarakat ke kiri dan ke kanan.

Sedap sungguh gelaran yang diberi oleh kerajaan negeri kepada bandar itu. "Bandaraya Islam", "Serambi Mekah"...Tetapi, penduduknya tidak ubah seperti penduduk di negeri lain.

Allah saja yang tahu..hati ini kasihan melihat masyarakat yang semakin tenat dengan maksiat dan jahiliyah. Seluar jeans ketat + baju kemeja ketat, pendek dan tidak berlengan + tudung singkat mengikut fesyen sekarang.

Rata-rata golongan perempuan memakai tudung dengan sanggul tinggi di atas kepala, dibutangkan pula di bahagian leher sehingga nampak bentuk telinga dan leher mereka. Tidak kira umur..dari muda sehingga yang tua...entah di mana cantiknya fesyen sebegitu.

Itu belum dikira yang berjalan berpegangan tangan, rambut yang hitam sudah menjadi seperti rambut dan janggut singa.

Jika dulu, saya sekadar mendengar "masyarakat kita sudah tenat". Kalau melihat pun, sekadar melihat di internet. Tapi, sekarang...sejak pulang ke Malaysia, ternyata masyarakat kita memang sudah tenat.

Usah pandang jauh-jauh. Keluarga kita sendiri masih dibelenggu perkara yang sama. Sedih juga apabila ibu mahu membeli syampu "Clear", keluaran Unilever. Saya katakan pada ibu, "Produk Yahudi ni". Katanya, "Memang produk Yahudi tapi nak buat macam mana. Ibu tak boleh pakai syampu jenama lain. Habis rambut jadi rosak."

Adik-adik juga sudah pandai mengenakan tudung yang sedikit singkat. Untung mereka masih memakai baju lengan panjang & tidak bersanggul tinggi seperti trend hari ini.

Sekarang, apa yang saya boleh buat ialah menjadi contoh yang baik untuk adik-adik. Kerana adik-adik seperti belum bersedia untuk mendengar 'ceramah'. Kadang-kadang, qudwah lebih tajam daripada kata-kata yang penuh dengan pesanan kan? Saya tahu mereka sedar akan perubahan saya. Mereka pernah tanya, "Akak sekarang senyap sejak balik. Dulu tak macam ni." Saya katakan kepada mereka sambil senyum, "Tak ada apa nak cakap, lebih baik diam."

Ya Allah yang Maha Kuasa. Lindungi kami dari fitnah dunia. Lindungi kami dari nikmat keseronokan dunia. Jadikan kami orang-orang yang mencintai dakwah. Ameen.

Harapan padaMu subur kembali

2010-12-18T01:12:00.000-08:00

Subhanallah...

As I read through all my previous entries, I found myself asking to myself, where has that strong person gone?

Most of my previous post are filled by 'ummi's' nasihah. Filled with one short verse from the Quran. Filled with the desire to totally follow Rasulullah S.A.W. in every aspect of life. Filled with the hunger to be close to Allah. Filled with the passion to become a better daie.

But the me today, unfortuantely enough, still have problems struggling with jahiliyah. Still have problems coping up with mutabaah amal. And have not even the slightest reflection of a daie..

Astaghfirullah.. astaghfirullah..astaghfirullah..

I wonder how have I fallen this far?

Having read through those entries, I now feel thankful that I did write those back then. At least, today, I know that I can be better than who I am today. And I will continue striving hard, to be that strong person again, and hopefully even better. May Allah give me strength to do that. And, may my rindu to Rasulullah S.A.W. subur kembali..

start of a new beginning

2010-12-17T18:43:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum

So, you've read the mail huh? :)

Anyway, I hope you're all ok with the plan. And even if you do not want to participate, it's ok. I'm fine with it.

There are things that I want to write down and want people to know, and at the same time I don't want people to know who's talking.

But at this stage of life, I strongly believe that I will need support. And amazingly enough, when I want to talk about something, the names that will pop up in my mind are yours. I don't mind who I talk to, who ever among you are available, I will reach out to. And though I don't totally know everyone of you by heart, and that I've only met some of you a number of times since we know each other, I have a strong feeling that I can trust you, and that you'll be there for me if I need you, and that I'll be more than willing to be there for you if you have any problems.

Well, you might not feel the same way, it's up to you, really. But I want all of you to know that this is how I feel about you. So, thank you so much :)

Anyway, for some reason, I have a strong feeling of going for Jaulah to the east coast sometime when I'm back for holidays. Who's available there aih? I want to spend some days at AN's house. If FA and IZ's there, I'd like to stop by too. If TH available, I'd like to come over to your house too. This is just my plan so far. Still a long way to go.

And oh, I'm still thinking of a retreat at PD some time when we are all available. How would you guys like that?

:) i'm excited.

kerinduanku

2009-11-30T11:12:00.001-08:00

Terkadang..bila lihat gambar-gambar orang lain berjaulah..rasa jeles sangat.. Jeles di atas kesempatan waktu yang mereka ada untuk berbuat sebegitu..

Bagiku, rasanya kali terakhir aku dapat berjaulah, yang mana jaulah tu memang khas untuk aku dan sahabat seperjuanganku, adalah ketika aku masih dalam tahun pertama. Aku ingat lagi, kami se'keluarga', dibawa oleh 'ummi' dan 'ummi tiri' ke adelaide.. Untuk makan angin, serta bertemu dengan qudama' di sana, yang memberikan tazkirah bagi menyediakan kami sebelum kami pulang ke Malaysia buat kali pertama setelah hampir setahun ditarbiyyah di bumi Aussie.. Jaulah itu, amat indah sekali. Penuh makna.

[oh ye, baru teringat..ada lagi sekali. yakni jaulah ke sorento di tahun kedua. juga bermandi laut di frankston pada tahun yang sama. tapi.... takpelah.]

Masuk je tahun kedua, aku sudah perlu menjadi 'dewasa'. Sejak itu.. aku jarang sekali punyai peluang sebegitu. Tanggungjawab lain sebagai 'kakak' lebih utama. Tambah lagi, bila 'keluarga' baruku kini dari kalangan mereka yang sibuk-sibuk belaka..jarang dapat bertemu masa dimana semua orang free.

Bukan nak kata aku tidak pernah berjaulah lagi ever since. Berjaulah je..tapi berjaulah membawa orang lain.. dan itu lain rasanya dengan perasaan aku dibawa berjaulah. Amat rindu akan zaman itu..zaman di mana segalanya diberikan, tanpa menuntut aku memberi.. But, I guess, lumrah alam, nothing will last.. akan tiba masa dimana kita pula perlu memberi. Terkadang tertanya, adakah bila aku memberi, maka aku sudah tidak boleh diberi? ..hurm..

.
.
.

Bila fikir-fikir balik, i guess, another big portion yang menghasilkan rasa jeles ini adalah untuk bersama rakan-rakan sebaya ku..yang mana dengan merekalah aku mengenal tarbiyyah ini..yang mana, dengan merekalah kami sama-sama berjuang meninggalkan jahiliyah lalu.. tempoh hari aku ke Sydney, dan sekalipun perginya aku ke sana untuk memberi, aku di sana bersama sahabat-sahabat sebaya ku ini.. dan indahnya Sydney di hatiku lebih dari tugas-tugasku yang lain..kerna itu.

Bukan nak kata aku tidak sayang atau tidak bersyukur dengan 'keluarga'ku sekarang. mereka tetap ukhti-ukhtiku..tapi..lain tau rasanya, bersama dengan mereka yang bukan sebatch. Selalu terasa bahwa mereka hanyalah teman seperjuangan dalam kerja dakwah..tapi bukan untuk berukhuwah yang lebih. Seringkali rasa leftout kerana aku jarang menjadi sebahagian dalam plan-plan 'ukhuwah' mereka. Mungkin juga kerna I'm the black sheep in the family. Sedangkan, bila dakwah tulah nadi hidup kita, maka sepatutnya mereka yang bersama kita itu adalah segala-galanya despite perbezaan umur.

takpelah..

Bukan aku mengeluh. Kerna hakikatnya, aku yang memohon pada Allah agar aku didewasakan segera. Kerna aku tahu, tempoh masaku di bumi tarbiyyah ini tidak lama, dan aku mahu mengaut sebanyak mungkin yang aku bisa perolehi sebelum pulangnya aku ke medan amal.

takpelah..

Ku korbankan keinginan hati ini kernaNya..dan kerna dakwah ini. Moga-moga Allah mahu membawa ku berjaulah di dalam syurgaNya nanti.. Jaulah yang khas untuk aku. Dan insyirahku. Di mana aku diberi segala-galanya, tanpa perlu memberi.. insya-Allah.

=')

Role Model

2009-03-12T04:10:00.001-07:00

Interesting.

I never thought how influential I am to some people. Back then, adhering to the motto 'If they can do it, so can I', I had always look upon someone, as an idol, for me to succeed in life. For example, since F2, I always had Kak Jun as my idol. Being a leader, and still succeeding well in her academics, I wanted to be like her. And at times when I went through hardship in trying to score high for PMR and SPM, I believed that if she can do it, so can I.

But never had I planned to be successful so that I can be a role model for my juniors. Never had I thought that anyone would ever know of all my successes and wanting to be like me. Never!

Yet, now being a senior, someone came to me and thanked me for being his role model. Wallaa.. Very, very suprising.

The first time I ever knew that people looked up to me as a role model was when I was in form 5. A junior wanted me to be her kakak angkat because she looks up to me and respect me for who I am. But I never took it seriously, plus I found out she had a number of kakak angkat anyway. hehe.. But, someone else came up to me when I was in my preparation year. This junior of mine actually announced, in front of my own parents, how I am his role model and how he really wish to be like me. Was I flattened? Well, maybe a bit, but not really. Because I didn't take it seriously. Because, as I mentioned earlier, I never thought of anyone wanting to make me as their role model. And since a few years back, another junior was also telling me the same thing. Of how he wanted to follow each and every footstep that I took. And though he always updated me of his check list (on what did he succeeded to follow and what not), I never took him seriously.

Up to just recently, this junior (the third one) (and, as usual) updated me of his recent success and his future plans. Now this was when I was really convinced of how serious he was in following my footsteps. He is actually serious in wanting to take the very same course that I am currently doing. Other than because he actually met someone who is already working in this field and told him how superb and in high demand this field is, he also mention that it is because he had followed my footsteps all the way through to where he is today, so he feels caught up in it and wants to also do the same course. Why did this make me convince? Because noone ever wants to simply take this course. I did, though. But who else would ever want to do it? Though in high demand and guarantee you a lot of $$ in the future, it is not well-known, and even those who know of it never wishes to be one. Who wants to study what I'm studying?? (Don't get me wrong. I LOVE what I'm studying). And yet, he is very determined to do it. Whoaa... I was really really suprised.

But hurm, let's see if he does aite? Well, I'm sure he will apply for it; but whether he gets it or not is the question. Can't forget that Allah controls everything aite.

He also mentioned that there is 2 more things in the list which is yet to be accomplished. While he is now being nominated for it, the results aren't out yet, but he really hopes that he gets it. May you do, my junior..may you do. Ameen. =)

Talking about role model and idols, there's no one better than Prophet Muhammad himself. Missing him so much.. How I really want to be like him. Yet, my ego always get into the way ='( .

p/s: Suddenly, i remembered another junior who really really liked me back in school. But not as a role model. But as.. hurm..as what eh? Such that he mentioned to his friends that I AM his future wife??!! Huhu..memories!

remind to remember

2009-02-02T22:33:00.001-08:00

Do you know how sometimes you really want to remember something but you are afraid you might forget? Thus one way for you to remember that thing is to either write it down (if you are confident that you will look it up from time to time to remind yourself), or get someone to remind you of it.

But do you know how sometimes it is just so hard for you to tell someone about that thing, what more to ask them to remind you of it? Maybe it is due to extreme ego-ness, or maybe because you are just way too shy to tell someone about it. Sometimes, the reason that prevent you from asking someone to remind you about it is because you don't want THAT person to remind you about it. Thus you'd rather not tell anyone about it and try to remind your own self about it.

But you know what? If you really want to remember something, telling someone or a few people about it really helps you know. It helps you to really remember that thing without having to be reminded by that person. I don't know why, but maybe because when you voice it, you hear yourself, and it tends to stick on your mind more strongly.

I myself, for example, do not like the fact that someone tells me to not be angry, or moody,or even scowl especially at times when I really am at that situation. Not that I don't want to. Of course I want to try my best to not put on a sour face, or be inconsiderate, or angry to others. But the fact of being reminded when you are in such situation really scratches your ego. But a time came when I really needed to do something about my unpredictable mood and temper. Thus I took the first step of asking for help from my fellow friends. In situations where I know I can easily lose my temper or patience, I tell them before hand to remind me of not getting angry and to put a smile on. And you know what? They never had to remind me about it (except during certain circumstances-times when I never realize my face is horrifying!), and I also found myself always reminding myself about it. And at the end of the day, I can feel proud of myself, for having gone through that whatever-situation-it-is in the best possible way I could.

So, if you really hate regretting in the future, no harm is done in suppressing a bit of that ego, and seek help from your friends to remind you.

drowning

2008-12-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

I use to be on the shore, safe and sound. And I knew that i'd be safe there. I was ensured by everyone else, who was also on the shore. And I personally fully believed in it, I knew they can't be wrong.

They always reminded me, 'Stay away from the sea, it's dangerous'.. And so I did, plus I've been in the sea before and, though it was fun, I hated it. I remembered how I struggled getting out of it; Alhamdulillah, I managed.

Yet, from shore I watched people in the sea. Initially, with hatred. Not to the people, but to what they are doing. I thought, 'How foolish of them to go play in the dangerous sea. Have they not been warned by anyone?' People on shore also like to make us look at people in the sea, so that we realise how lucky we are to be on the safe side. So that we feel sad with the danger those people has put themselves into. And it worked. I hated watching people drowning. I hated watching people who boast themselves in the sea, when they could easily be swept away by one big tsunami. Thus I made a firm decision to never go near the sea.

Time passes by. Everyone on shore got busy. And slowly, I felt lonely. Not that there was noone around me, no! There were many around me; but i just felt...empty. Everyone around me was talking, yet, i could feel the silence. None of the talking fulfilled what was needed by my inner part.

I realised this, but, what was I to do?
How could i ask for the existance of people who are already around me?
How could i ask for speaches by people who are talking?

Slowly, I started playing near the shoreline. Once in a while I put a foot in the sea, just to feel the coolness of the sea, but quickly brought it out again. I continued playing near the shoreline. No one on shore stopped me, or brought me away from it, so I thought, 'hey, maybe it's not that bad after all'. So I started going further into the sea. The sealevel rised from my ankle, up to my knee. Then further up to my waist, and now up to my chest. How is it? It's fun, I tell you. Who doesn't like to play in the sea?

So I continued enjoying myself there. Yet, noone on shore called me back. Maybe there were just too busy. Or maybe I was just too good in pretending. And like it or not, I found myself having gone too far into the sea, and was nearly about to drown.

Oh no; 'someone, help me!!!', I cried. Yet, no one hears it. And I realise, that now, I really am on my own. I have two choices; one: to continue drowning, two: to swim back to shore before it's too late. While one part of me enjoys being in the sea, deep inside me, I know I have to swim to safety. To correct my previous statement, I only have one choice, not two; that is to swim to safey. To continue drowning is not a choice, not for me though. Why? Because I've been taught how to swim. And I'm suppose to use that knowledge to get myself out of this danger.

But knowing does not mean wanting. And wanting does not mean having the capacity.

I know, and I want, but I lack in capacity to do so. Thus I have to gain the capacity, before it is too late.

Oh Allah, the most merciful, save me from drowning in this sea of jahilliah. Guide me to your safe route and give me the strength to follow it.

retrospective

2008-10-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I've always asked Allah for an akhlak like Rasulullah, because, as Allah says it: "Indeed, in the Messenger of Allah you have a good example to follow, for him who hopes for (the meeting with) Allah and the Last Day, and remember Allah much" <33:21>

Yet, when Allah test me with some hardships, I get easily moved emotionally, such that I neglect or forget to put up a good akhlak. Huh~ Akhlak aite? Akhlak is suppose to be something that comes out naturally from you, in any circumstances. Therefore, the fact that my attitude changes along with my mood or emotional condition is just indicating that I haven't really build up a good akhlak within me.

Human beings, they can't run from being a human being. What is there with human beings? Well, human beings have emotions. There will be a time when someone will become sad, depress, moody, but at another time, so cheerful, friendly and very happy. It's normal; you can't expect a person to always be cheerful and never feeling distressed, for example, because that is just not human. But, what differentiate you, as a muslim and mukmin from others, is that you should know how to treat yourself when your feeling 'down'.

And Allah, being ever so loving and caring, has provided us with the best example He could, which is through prophet Muhammad s.a.w. Through all the distressing moments that the sahabah went through in the road of dakwah, prophet Muhammad had always kept on his best akhlak (because it really is his akhlak!), and become the source of calmness, happiness and confidence for all his sahabah.

Astaghirullah..

It is so hard.. to always be at your best attitude. To always remember to smile, to entertain people when you feel tired, to think positively of people when things don't go the way you wanted it too. But, unless you go through all the hardship, you won't develop the akhlaks that you wanted. Because good akhlak develop by going through hardships.

Talking about hardship, Ummi said that Allah will only test his servant when that person is ready too. That is why you get the verse: "Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.." <2:286>. So, if you are tested, it is because you are ready to face it. But how you react to it when you do face it will determine if you really trust in Him.

Oh Allah, give me strength. Guide me the way to the road that you bless.

missing

2008-10-27T03:32:00.000-07:00

Astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah..

I uttered along the journey to the examination hall. Everytime I thought of something bad, something that shouldn't be thought of a muslim, saw something that will only add make my heart more and more dirtier, I uttered the word, astaghfirullah.

Alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah..

Those were the only words that I could utter as I walk home from the examination hall. Thanking Allah for easing my task through out the 2-hour examination period.

How wonderful the world was.. and how great it was to praise the Al-mighty Allah. To feel protected, to feel cared for..

It occurred to me, that once I finish all of my exams and get myself busy with other stuffs, I might not be able to appreciate the meaning of these words anymore. Why? Because at that time, there might not be anything so obvious to thank Allah for. There might be no obvious reason to istighfar for. And unless Allah allows me too, then even if utter those words, it wouldn't really mean that much. Oh, how arrogant of me!

Human beings, huh! They forget so easily.

I really hope that that doesn't happen. If only I could always be in the best state of iman at all time. To feel the sweetness of praising and glorifying Allah in all that I do. To be aware of everything that Allah has provided me, to appreciate and to be grateful to Him at all time.

Oh Allah, how I really miss Him...

a smile and a hug

2008-10-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

'Just a smile and the rain is gone'

Such a true verse..

All you need to do is come and give me a smile, give me a nice big hug, and you've made my day.

How could I ever lose you people?

At times when I feel like wanting to sulk, and run away from you people, there will come a moment when I will suddenly imagine you people doing the same thing to me. Oh! What a horrible feeling that would be.

Selfish me, I can sulk and scowl to people if I want to, but people can not do it to me. And just who do you think you are???!!

No. It's been said, that you are with them because you need them, not because they need you. If they don't have you, they can be with many other people who are deeply in love with Allah and dakwah. But if you are not with them, them with who do you want to be with?

Just when I really thought I'd never find myself a good, best friend/s in my life, Allah bestowed me with the greatest lot of people that I could ever want; these are people who loves Allah, and are willing to sacrifice their life for the sake of Islam. And from these people do I find true happiness and ukhuwwah. These are the friends who taught me of Islam and it's beauty, of Allah and His magnificence, of Dakwah and its blissful rewards.

Thank you Allah for sending me among your best servants as my companions. Bless them, and bless me in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.

muhasabah

2008-10-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

A very unproductive day today =(

Since I've read through all my exam notes, the plan today was to go through it all for a second round and MEMORIZE what needs to be memorized. Since it wasn't such an active thing to do, I got sleepy at most times, the brain wasn't working as fast as it could and I didn't managed to get through a lot, as how I planned to.

Hurm..so where did I go wrong?

(The best part about writing your troubles-of-the-day is that while doing so, you come to think of a solution to it)

At first, I was thinking, maybe it's because I didn't start of the day well. I woke up (at my usual start-of-the-day time) and the only thing I had in my mind was, I've got to have breakfast. Thus, after brushing my teeth, I went to look for something to eat in the fridge. Then only did I had a bath and started studying. Only when I started getting sleepy the first time did I realize, hey, I haven't read the morning ma'thurat yet. So, I took the ma'thurat book and read it. Then continued to study.

But again, there were other times when I still became sleepy, so what's up with that?

It just triggered me that maybe, when I set my plan, I didn't said the magic word 'Insya-Allah'. Yes, maybe that is the reason why today has been an unproductive day.

But the whole idea of not having gone through many of my exam notes for today made me very sad and very worried by late evening. Very very worried. It's very amazing how Allah can put fear and distressed in one's heart in a wink of an eye. The bad feeling made me think, where did all the calmness that I had this morning went to?

But, thinking of the other things I did today, I actually took some time of to give a tazkirah to a friend in need. I also took some time of to entertain some visitors. I also took some time of the clean up the house.

So, though I didn't manage to re-revised my notes as much as I planned to today, I still managed to do some other stuffs which -according to me- (from the quran too actually) is a good deed. So how bad a day could that be?

Kind of confused, what do I actually use as my parameter of a 'good, high quality and productive day'. Oh..

Recalled Ummi saying that a dai'e's happiness and sadness should be based on dakwah. Dakwah should be the one that control's the ups and downs of our life.

I call myself a dai'e, but yet, I can get very happy and very sad just because of duniawi stuffs.

hua.. this exam thingy is very very distressing!

But I guess, how I react as I go through these stressful weeks of exams will reflect how I really am. It's the hardship that makes you grow, makes you more matured. What is the meaning of friendly, patience, calm etc if you are living in an 'ideal' surrounding, yeah?

hurm..

an impetuous mood

2008-10-24T05:43:00.001-07:00

I was kind of in a good mood today. Manage to finish off studying what I planned to study for today. A plan to go out with a friend was also accomplished. Got some food for my soul. But right after at the end of the day, I saw something that made me angry.

I was angry.

But angry because of a prejudice, a speculation that I made myself, without really knowing the truth. A part of me was saying that that was the only possible thing that could have happened, I couldn't be wrong. But another side of me was reminding me that prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h said that we must not make speculation, as part of the speculations are sins.

Astaghfirullah..astaghfirullah..astaghfirullah..

Though part of me still think that there can't be any other explanation to this, I am really really trying to think of it positively. Why? Not that I'm trying to deny something that is obviously wrong and forbidden by Allah; but it's because I don't know if that was really the case. So until you really find out what happened, hold on to your anger.

And if it turns out that what I speculated was true, what should I do?

Part of me has already listed a few lines (in my head), that I will say to a person to show my anger and disapproval upon the matter. This part of me feels like wanting to run away from here. I don't want to compromise in such matter.

But another part of me says, hey wait, you are a dai'e. A dai'e should act wisely. You can't run away from trouble. You can't afford to. Instead, you are here to fix the problem. To fix whatever needs to be fix. To guide to the right path. Running away won't solve anything! Don't you remember what is said in Muntalaq?

huaa..

But what I else can I do? I've already tried to do something about it. It's not that I've never said anything.

But then again, have I really done that much? Have I really tried all possible method available?

huaa...

You've got to remember that Allah decides who will receive His hidayah. It is not your job to give them hidayah. You don't have the power to even do so. Your job is only to remind people. Again and again until you really can't do anything else about it (read: you're dead).

Allay says: 'So remind them-you are only one who reminds' <88:21>

hurm..Okey..
I'll try.

and remember, prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h said: La Taghdob, La Taghdob, La Taghdob.

dear self, La Taghdob! If you really love your prophet, then La Taghdob!

okey..okey.. insya-Allah.

new vocabs and new aspirations

2008-10-23T02:14:00.000-07:00

I learnt a few new words today as I was struggling through my exam notes. These are my new words for today:

intrigue
–verb (used with object)
1. to arouse the curiosity or interest of by unusual, new, or otherwise fascinating or compelling qualities; appeal strongly to; captivate: The plan intrigues me, but I wonder if it will work.
2. to achieve or earn by appealing to another's curiosity, fancy, or interest: to intrigue one's way into another's notice.
3. to draw or capture: Her interest was intrigued by the strange symbol.
4. to accomplish or force by crafty plotting or underhand machinations.
5. Obsolete. to entangle.
6. Obsolete. to trick or cheat.
–verb (used without object)
7. to plot craftily or underhandedly.
8. to carry on a secret or illicit love affair.
–noun
9. the use of underhand machinations or deceitful stratagems.
10. such a machination or stratagem or a series of them; a plot or crafty dealing: political intrigues.
11. a secret or illicit love affair.
12. the series of complications forming the plot of a play.

insatiable
not satiable; incapable of being satisfied or appeased: insatiable hunger for knowledge.

—Synonyms voracious, unquenchable, bottomless.

perplexed
–adjective
1. bewildered; puzzled: a perplexed state of mind.
2. complicated; involved; entangled.

esoteric
–adjective
1. understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; recondite: poetry full of esoteric allusions.
2. belonging to the select few.
3. private; secret; confidential.
4. (of a philosophical doctrine or the like) intended to be revealed only to the initiates of a group: the esoteric doctrines of Pythagoras.

viable
–adjective
1. capable of living.
2. Physiology.
a. physically fitted to live.
b. (of a fetus) having reached such a stage of development as to be capable of living, under normal conditions, outside the uterus.
3. Botany. able to live and grow.
4. vivid; real; stimulating, as to the intellect, imagination, or senses: a period of history that few teachers can make viable for students.
5. practicable; workable: a viable alternative.
6. having the ability to grow, expand, develop, etc.: a new and viable country.

Looking up the meanings of these words in an online dictionary reminded me of the old days back in high school. There was this time when my principal had this great idea in helping students to build their vocabulary. One day in a week, we would have to find a new English word, together with the meaning and an example of usage in a sentence, and all that was to be put in a name tag, and everyone had to where it. During English class, students will take turn to present their words to the whole class. Though at that time nearly everyone including myself hated the whole idea (and would only bother to look up a new word on the very morning of the assembly), the outcome was great. Like it or not, I found myself knowing a whole lot of new English words. Unfortunately for the whole school, the principal had to move elsewhere, thus the whole newly-introduced-tradition was left to moulder. I remember how everyone was more than happy to say goodbye to the vocab thingy. But today, how I really regret that the weekly vocab thing was not made a tradition. My vocab today, is not much different to my vocab the past ten years, I'd say. I've stopped reading a long long time ago (novels, that is), since I stop collecting new Enid Blyton books (get the idea how long that has been?). And I've never been bothered to look up for the meanings of words in a dictionary (how arrogant is that?). So where on earth could I ever build up my vocabulary? And today, I really wish a knew a lot more. (Am I even doing anything about it??)

But I guess, that is also how life is. You expect the best out of it, but you refuse to go through all the hardship that is required. But that will never work (unless Allah allows it too), but according to sunnah, no, it won't work.

Hurm.. humans aih?

Anyway...

I've been reading through a few posts in a few blogs while I was taking a rest from my studies, and I learnt (or should I say, was reminded?) a few important stuffs. And I came to decide that starting from today, I will always try to

Smile. =)

Because that is one thing that prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h asked us to do. Even a smile is considered as a sadaqah, so there must be something in it. Who cares what is going on within me, to make people around me happy should be my first priority. I am a dai'e, and I wouldn't want people to run away from me, right?

I also read of a very great individu, the wife of As-Syahid Imam Hasan al-Banna. She's a great women, and has been set by Allah to be the companion of a great man. I want to be a great person too, because I am a muslim. Because I am servant of Allah, and Allah has given me a lot in this life. So, I have to be

Strong.

Physically (can't be weak or lazy or always falling sick) and emotionally (can't be moody or angry or stubborn). Because I have a lot of work to do, and my workload is more than the time I have.

I have been shown the light, and I have been given the power. And with great power comes great responsibilities.

May Allah give me the strength to change myself in becoming a better person, for the sake of the ummah. Insya-Allah.

the search for solace

2008-10-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

Where is it? Where can I find it?

I feel lost.. lost in my own tangled-up feelings.

What's worse, I don't even know why..

Have you ever had this feeling, where you really want to tell someone about your problems, and you really need to cry on someone's shoulder, but you just don't know who you should talk to? And everyone, even those closest to you doesn't seem to be the right person, or just suddenly seems so far?

I tried to search for the lost solace..in computer games? in movies? in songs?
NO!!
I've said goodbye to all those jahiliyyah.. and I never want to go back to it. No!
So what should I do? Where can I look for it?

What's going on? Why am I like this? This isn't me..

And my mind wanders off, trying to find a person, or a reason to blame for this somber mood.
Did you found one?
Sure did. I found a person to put all the blame on too.
For what reason/s?
erm... erm...
I'm waiting...
I don't know... maybe it's because that person is never always there for me when I am in need. Maybe because that person is always hanging around with other friends, and seldom with me. Maybe because that person always have things the way that person wants it and not the way I want it. Maybe because... well, I don't know!!
Maybe aih? Then is the problem really from that person or is it just you?
Warrgh.. There's nothing wrong with that person.. nothing at all!! It is just me! It has always been me!!

Why is my heart full of hatred? Why do I keep on seeking faults in other people? Why do I have to be so moody? Why can't I just forgive and forget? Why do I have to be so sensitive (the negative way)? Oh..why??

Haven't I been taught a lot already, on how the purity of the heart is so important to be close to Allah?Haven't I been told numerously how syaitan will always take control over negligent hearts?

Astaghfirullah..astaghfirullah..astaghfirullah..

Other people have real problem to worry their head around.. but me?
I don't have any problems. I've got people who care about me, I've got a decent exam timetable, I've got everything that many other people are craving to have.. but yet.. I tend to take all of that for granted.

I'm bad, I know..

But I don't want to be like this. Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h has never been like this.. So how could I?

At the end of the day, this grumpy mood won't bring me any good at all. Instead, it will bring a whole bunch of regrets.

I've got to change..I've got to be a better da'ie, I've got to be closer to Allah, I've got to have better control over my emotions, I've got to suppress my ego.

Oh..

Allah says, 'Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do heart find rest'..

Maybe..just maybe, I haven't remembered Allah enough yet..