the search for solace

Where is it? Where can I find it?

I feel lost.. lost in my own tangled-up feelings.

What's worse, I don't even know why..

Have you ever had this feeling, where you really want to tell someone about your problems, and you really need to cry on someone's shoulder, but you just don't know who you should talk to? And everyone, even those closest to you doesn't seem to be the right person, or just suddenly seems so far?

I tried to search for the lost solace..in computer games? in movies? in songs?
NO!!
I've said goodbye to all those jahiliyyah.. and I never want to go back to it. No!
So what should I do? Where can I look for it?

What's going on? Why am I like this? This isn't me..

And my mind wanders off, trying to find a person, or a reason to blame for this somber mood.
Did you found one?
Sure did. I found a person to put all the blame on too.
For what reason/s?
erm... erm...
I'm waiting...
I don't know... maybe it's because that person is never always there for me when I am in need. Maybe because that person is always hanging around with other friends, and seldom with me. Maybe because that person always have things the way that person wants it and not the way I want it. Maybe because... well, I don't know!!
Maybe aih? Then is the problem really from that person or is it just you?
Warrgh.. There's nothing wrong with that person.. nothing at all!! It is just me! It has always been me!!

Why is my heart full of hatred? Why do I keep on seeking faults in other people? Why do I have to be so moody? Why can't I just forgive and forget? Why do I have to be so sensitive (the negative way)? Oh..why??

Haven't I been taught a lot already, on how the purity of the heart is so important to be close to Allah?Haven't I been told numerously how syaitan will always take control over negligent hearts?

Astaghfirullah..astaghfirullah..astaghfirullah..

Other people have real problem to worry their head around.. but me?
I don't have any problems. I've got people who care about me, I've got a decent exam timetable, I've got everything that many other people are craving to have.. but yet.. I tend to take all of that for granted.

I'm bad, I know..

But I don't want to be like this. Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h has never been like this.. So how could I?

At the end of the day, this grumpy mood won't bring me any good at all. Instead, it will bring a whole bunch of regrets.

I've got to change..I've got to be a better da'ie, I've got to be closer to Allah, I've got to have better control over my emotions, I've got to suppress my ego.

Oh..

Allah says, 'Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do heart find rest'..

Maybe..just maybe, I haven't remembered Allah enough yet..